Local podcast talks about coping with big feelings
When I think big feelings, it’s hard to tell who comes to mind first- me or my children. My partner and I live, work, and play with our kids, day in and day out. They know the subtleties of my moods better than anyone else in the world. I notice their nuances just as easily, much like my own mother is still able to pinpoint mine. When lives are intertwined, the smallest change in demeanor is noticeable.
Teaching my children to express and manage their feelings while managing my own is challenging. I’m a “deep feeler” and experience a strong, wide-ranging emotional spectrum. If we aren’t careful, deep feelers can get lost in the dark when times get hard. I try to balance letting myself feel without falling apart- genuine, yet functional. Throwing hormones into the mix further complicates things. Estrogen and progesterone ebb and flow while children tantrum all over the place, and maintaining balance can feel impossible.
When struggling to manage my own emotions, transparency and apologies become keys to maintaining healthy relationships with my children. Transparency is explaining that I feel stressed, sad, angry or worried while reassuring my children that the responsibility is not theirs, and I have tools to handle my own emotions (or other adults who can help). They may feel empathetic or worried, but they’d feel worse if I pretended to be fine or became unpredictably snappy.
Just as I can’t help the fluctuations in my mood at times, neither can my children. When they have tantrums or big feelings, I cling to the reminder that they are not giving me a hard time; they are HAVING a hard time. That simple shift in language causes a massive shift in compassion. Recognizing that they are having a hard time puts me back on their team. It allows me to remove myself from emotional entanglement and help my child regulate with a hug, an affirmation, deep breaths, validation, or simply naming their feelings. Helping a child through a moment of dysregulation isn’t coddling- it’s compassion and coaching. Once my kid is regulated again, we can talk about whatever caused the meltdown and the inherent validity of their feelings while helping them repair and learn from their response. Because of this mindset, my children can often see me as someone who is on their team and will hold them lovingly accountable while helping them get through the messy parts of life. Am I able to access this ideal response every time? Of course not, and that’s why I also regularly practice apologies.
I remember once, at around a year old, my firstborn had a complete meltdown in his bedroom. Red-faced, he screamed his head off inconsolably. I tried to comfort him, but my efforts seemed to agitate him more. Finally, I sat calmly next to him on the floor while he wallowed and screamed and cried. Occasionally, I said something like, “I’m here” or “mama’s here”. Eventually, after what felt like hours but was probably closer to 10 minutes, his screams lessened to regular cries. I repeated the mantra, “I’m here. Mama’s here.” He eventually crawled up into my lap to comfort nurse. He regulated within a few minutes. If I had let my stress seep into his, we both would have been crying for quite some time.
Recently, my three-year-old began to whine in the kitchen then took a deep breath and said, “Mama, I feel lonely because nobody will play with me.” I felt proud that he knew the word for loneliness and was able to identify and express it in that moment. His ability to communicate is a practice, and the practice prevented a potential meltdown.
So, in the midst of everyone’s feelings and responses, how do I manage? I take deep breaths, schedule rest, follow tips from Dr. Becky Kennedy at Good Inside, minimize mood-affecting habits, and teach my kids language they need to express their own feelings. When I mess up, I apologize and give myself grace. When I can attend therapy, I do. Exercise helps- although I could get better at that one! We validate. We mend. We communicate. Hopefully, modeling interactions that are real, loving, and full of mistakes and grace will help my children to grow up to be emotionally intelligent adults who are able to express their own emotions while remaining conscious of the feelings of others. In the meantime, I’m here learning alongside them every day.
This project is an outlet for creatively processing our personal experiences, and we see our community grasping for connection. Join the conversation by reading, following our socials, sharing your thoughts, and listening to the Mama’s Gonna Make It Podcast. Episode 4 goes nicely with this week’s column!
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