{Rosalind Arnett (center) with daughter Antionette Kerr (right) and husband Jim Loy (left) 2018}
Over the past few months, several good friends and family lost their mothers. Sharing their memories and stories make me thankful.
Harassing your teenaged daughter about dating, homework and eating her vegetables may not thrill her at the time, but she’ll thank you later in life. This isn’t me giving parenting advice. I am not qualified for that. It comes from a study conducted by England’s University of Essex titled “Behind every successful woman is a nagging mom.” The study notes that teenaged girls are more likely to succeed if they have pushy mothers.
The research was based on findings from 15,500 schoolgirls, ages 13 to 14, in England between 2004 and 2010. How the university measured mothers with the greatest “nagging power” still baffles me! A statement presented to the Royal Economic Society explained, “The measure of expectations in this study reflects a combination of aspirations and beliefs about the likelihood of attending higher education reported by the main parent, who, in the majority of cases, is the mother.”
Looking back, I am almost certain the women in my family would have scored highly on the “pushy” scale. Before studies and statistics were readily available, our little matriarchy looked around and decided that they wanted a better future for their daughters. I often complained that expectations were set higher for the girls in our families. We were consistently being challenged to take care of our bodies, minds and spirits. My biggest act of rebellion was refusing to cook. The women in my family set a high standard and I intentionally burned things. It was my mother’s profession and I held resentment. By the time I was 13, mom was leaving for work between 4 and 5 a.m. She would call me every morning between making biscuits to ensure I was awake and getting dressed for school, then she called again to make sure I was walking out the door to catch the school bus. At night when she returned, her hairnet was messy and she was exhausted. I didn’t want to learn how to cook, but she did insist I sit at the kitchen table for at least one hour every night … even when I didn’t have homework. When it came to “book work,” my “pushy” mom was over the top, often reminding me she left school in the eighth grade. I wasn’t allowed to spend more than 30 minutes on the telephone, and she canceled our cable because I needed to have “my nose in a book.”
Some things haven’t changed; I learned to love reading and I am fond of eating my vegetables. “In many cases, we succeeded in doing what we believed was more convenient for us, even when this was against our parents’ will. But no matter how hard we tried to avoid our parents’ recommendations, it is likely that they ended up influencing, in a more subtle manner, choices that we had considered extremely personal,” said researcher Ericka Rascon-Ramirez. “What our parents expected about our school choices was, very likely, a major determinant of our decisions about conceiving a child or not during our teenage years.”
Additionally, university research concluded that teens told to live up to high expectations are less likely to become pregnant; parental pressure means daughters will be more likely to pursue higher education and earn better wages. In response to this study, a friend shared a different perspective. A blog post entitled “The Damage of a Difficult Mother & How She Helped Her Child Heal” remind that there are times to stop being “pushy.” I don’t identify with the writer’s experience but paused to acknowledge that the “Mommie Dearest” approach has kept a few friends in therapy.
Starting Davidson Local has given me extra memories with my mom. I see friends and classmates around town and they ask about her well-being. Sometimes, I record a short video and take it to my mom’s facility for her to watch. My mom is pushy despite being immobile and we are grateful on the days she has that “sass” about her. Even after battling seizures, strokes, a heart attack and cancer. A few weeks ago, I was complaining about a work issue that had gone on for weeks. Now, there are days my mom might not remember who I am, but on this particular day, I recalled a familiar look in her eyes. She told me, “Girl, calm down and go do your homework.” It never fails! She’s been giving me the same advice since I was a teenager…she was exactly right.
And that is why I am thankful.
I am sending prayers of comfort to all who have lost mothers this holiday season.
Due to COVID, I was unable to see my mom for most of 2020. While you have the opportunity, thank your mother this Thanksgiving!
