Mama's Gonna Make it: Mom Guilt
Sarabeth: As I write, a pirate sword rests on my forearms, one child sits across the table building a Lego car, and one sits in my lap. It’s 7:24 am, and school is delayed. I’m trying to balance spending time with my kids, drafting next week’s column, and finishing podcast show notes before heading to work. I need to unload the dishwasher, drink my greens, and make school lunches.
Sometimes, I’m full of ideas and energy, carefully balancing all the things. Other days, I’m barely functioning, holding together basic care for my family. I don’t always know which version is going to strike. Eventually, I drop one (or more) of the balls I’m juggling, and that’s when guilt sets in.
Anne: Oh, friend, I feel this. Parent life feels like a juggling act—sometimes, you’re on top, and other days, you just push through.
When I saw my doctor about restarting ADHD medication, she said (paraphrasing), “almost every woman I see has more to do than medication can address. We’re not medicating you into SuperHuman status. We’re just treating your ADHD.” That hit home, as the mental load working parents carry in the U.S. is relentless. There’s an ideal of the Ultimate Mom we acknowledge in our collective cultures. Whatever lies between that idol and reality fosters “mom-guilt.”
Sarabeth: Absolutely. Our plates are FULL, especially when there are little people whose well-being depends on us. Some parents work and outsource to other important caregivers. Others do all the care themselves. Some people live with seamless executive function. Some muddle through with impaired executive functioning due to ADHD, depression, autism, anxiety, chronic pain, or other circumstances. Across the spectrum, we share a basic need for connection - to family and friends, to community, perhaps to a higher power, and to ourselves. Parents often forget to make time for that last bit. When we make time to connect with ourselves or our friends, guilt can creep in.
Anne: When running on reserves, self-care can feel selfish—it’s energy we could spend on others. But we can’t keep putting ourselves last and expect to sustain healthy relationships.
We may not do it all, but we do a LOT. After being accepted to graduate school, I nearly withdrew. As a full time worker living alone, I could barely take care of my dog and myself. On what planet did I think I could do school full-time too!? Then, my mom offered a powerful reflection: you don’t have to excel at everything. You can be “just enough” to get through, lean into your support system, and outsource help.
On snow days or when my kid is sick, I know I’m not my best as a mom, employee, friend, or spouse. Quite frankly, I’m tapped out by 11am. But I remind myself: I am doing it all. Even if I’m not excelling at everything simultaneously, my job gets done, my kid thrives, my partner understands, and my friends forgive. We need to give ourselves grace for being 80% of 400 when we were only meant to be measured to 100.
Sarabeth: Often, I feel like a lower percentage than that! I have to remind myself not to let my best days become my standard. It’s okay to drop a ball now and then—what matters is that we keep juggling. Whenever possible, it helps to have some control over what gets dropped. Nora Roberts has a metaphor for this: recognize which balls are plastic (and therefore droppable) and which are glass!
Two strategies when I feel “less than enough”: first, focus on the basics. What NEEDS to be done (glass)? What can wait (plastic)? Next, I use a trick I learned from a dear friend, and I talk to my “inner little girl.” When she feels inadequate, my grown-up self has to rally to tell her she’s enough, exactly as she is, and she deserves grace. I also do this when I’m feeling guilty about letting my own big feelings affect my parenting. When I respond to my kids in a less-than-ideal way, I apologize to them. I remind myself that life is a practice, and I resolve to respond differently next time while saving grace for mistakes along the way.
Anne: Love that, SB! My Christmas decor is still up. Life got wild and undecorating was a plastic ball that could wait.
As we navigate this chaotic, beautiful life, let’s lean into gratitude. Gratitude for messy mornings, unexpected delays, the opportunity to re-parent our inner little selves, awareness of mistakes made, people who support us, and the strength we find within. Gratitude just may be an antidote to guilt.
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